January 3rd 2005 - ONLY four years ago?!!

Well, how many people can you say you know who’ve had their battery fall into their engine – WHILE THEY WERE DRIVING?!?

Just remember my old saying, “If it’s bizarre, weird, unusual or freakish – count me in!”

Jamee and I were returning from the Melchin’s this morning around 10 a.m. after Brigette cut Jamee’s hair. Re-cut Jamee’s hair would be a more accurate statement, but we won’t go into the things girls do when they have friends sleep over right now. That’s another story.

We made it through the Broadway/Higley intersection with only two major stallings, when suddenly EVERYTHING just went off. Kaplooey. Not even the “service engine soon” light (which has been on for over a month now) was on. No power brakes. No power steering. Joy!

We coasted into a neighborhood and only rolled about half way down the sloping street before I was able to come to a complete stop, just BARELY so that I didn’t cut off that person’s driveway, but only by less than a foot. Then I looked at the house behind us.

You know – there should be some sort of law that the people who design driveways should actually have to MEASURE a nice big car - say a Suburban - BEFORE they are given permission to pour the cement. We were (by fractions of a foot) just barely in between two driveways. How far away from a fire hydrant do you have to be again?

Who’d have ever guessed how cranky SOME homeowner’s can get when an innocent victim of a falling car battery attempts to explain WHY their car will be parked in front of their home – possibly until after dark. Especially when said homeowner's toddler answered the door and the homeowner's MAMMOTH horse/dog (what happened to dog weight limits in HOA's?) is attempting to “greet” the door knocker in a VERY unfriendly manner, all the while the homeowner, who is still in their skivvies, is trying in vain to hide that fact from the door knocker?

He muttered, “Fine, whatever!” before I even had the chance to tell him I’ve been in his very shoes – I’d guess at least a couple hundred times – in the last few years alone. Somehow, he didn’t seem to be in a chatty mood, so I just left it at that and returned to my vehicle.

Of course the REAL reason I actually approached the home was to ascertain the possibilities of said homeowner also (hopefully) being the owner of a fire extinguisher - - all the while attempting to contemplate if a) our vehicle insurance would cover anything leftover after a car fire (it doesn't); and b) just how fast this horse/dog would be able to run if he made it out the door before his owner arrived; but by the time the justifiably irritated owner’s head and shoulders (sans clothing) had appeared around the door - - my Suburban had (thankfully) stopped smoking.

Now, I have nothing against the fairer sex who may enjoy exploring the intricacies of an internal combustion engine, but I also ask that they be a little understanding to those of us who have NEVER wanted too. Up until now I’ve subscribed to the notion that looks alone could get flat tires changed, but now I’m hoping a pitiful, chubby, grandmotherly appearance will also do the trick.

So after the smoking had subsided, and the horse/dog had been corralled, Jamee and I called up our courage and actually popped the hood. Well, kinda/sorta. Apparently car hoods were NOT meant to be opened very easily and sticking my face down into an area that has recently been engulfed in noxious white smoke so that I can find that thing that my husband always pulls back, while I’m yelling to my daughter to “pull that hooky thingy again,” has never been my idea of a good plan – contrary to what my teenage sons may believe.

Actually I had NO idea WHAT, or even WHY, I was bothering. I mean it isn’t as if it would make any difference whatsoever, but from the smell of burning plastic I figured I might just as well take a look at what was melted. Again, I have NO idea WHY – maybe one of those deer-in-the-headlight syndrome things?

Upon opening the hood the first thing I saw was the intake something-or-other that is supposed to be attached to the place where Jake puts the new air filters, was no longer attached. In fact it appeared to be standing at attention. My comment of, “I don’t think that’s supposed to be there” apparently has no effect on recalcitrant intake something-or-other’s. I couldn’t actually SEE anything that looked melted, other than another hose that had a ding in it the size of an orange, but everything else seemed to look as dirty and yucky as it always does.

Then Jamee asked, “Is the battery supposed to be hanging down in the engine like that?”

HEY! Even I know (after about a thousand battery-jumping instances) that batteries belong on the side of the engine and NOT in it.

By now the rain was really coming down (what, you think something like this would happen to me on a nice sunny day – maybe within walking distance of my house?), so Jamee and I jumped back inside and had a good laugh about being Native Arizonan’s (her, not me) who think they will melt in the rain, and used her cell phone to make a few calls.

I swear I’m NOT making this next part up. The first person I called was my husband, but he couldn’t talk to me right then because he was chasing the dog down the street after two of the children he was watching had gone into the front yard to have an acorn boat race in the gutter water (did I mention Julia stayed home from school this morning?) and had let the dog escape. He was a tad perturbed due to the fact that he hadn’t yet had the chance to get fully dressed this morning.

I was even MORE perturbed – not about the children, the boats, the fact that we do NOT, EVER, play in the front yard, or our own dog, but we were baby-sitting the Budge’s Chihuahua’s and I have personal experience of just how fast, and how far, Benny Budge can and will run if (and when) the front door is left open. Try telling a dog owner, that while you may have done an exceptional job of caring for her baby’s for the previous 9 days, one of her baby’s has disappeared just a few scant hours before she was scheduled to pick them up! Forget about car fires - now THAT, is my idea of S-T-R-E-S-S!

So the long and the short of it is that James successfully got the dogs - and the kids – safely back into the house (all by himself), I missed my habilitation appointment with Brittany this morning while Brittany’s mom came and bailed Jamee and I out (of the pouring down rain) and drove us home. Then James, Jake and Jake’s friend, Jason, drove back and fixed all the things that had come into contact with the battery when it had fallen. And WHY was Jake’s friend Jason needed to drive them back? Because out of the four cars we have parked at our house, the Suburban was the ONLY one that was running!

And somebody better tell Jamee that I do NOT want (or need) to hear ANY more red-neck comments, thank you very much.

And just for the record the starter that melted when the battery acid spilled all over it will be the third starter put into that Suburban in less than one week.