Mr. Iguana

About 2004 . . .

My kids LOVE to play practical jokes on their Dad. It's an absolute obsession in this house.

Mom on the other hand has trained herself NOT to react. The only time I get a little creepy is when whatever it is, that’s still alive, has “escaped” and is running LOOSE in the house…because eventually it’s going to find it’s way either into my hair, or up my shirt!

Have I mentioned lately just how THICK my hair is? Or how hard it would be to extract a nesting insect from really thick, previously naturally curly hair? Especially if the insect has NO intentions of leaving?

I can, will, and have removed any offending clothing material, much to the chagrin of my husband. “Renee…go in the other room…Renee…the kids are here…Renee!!!…Sigh!”

I’m sorry maybe I overreact a tad bit, but before you pass judgment, just ask yourself this: If YOU had something creepy, crawling around inside of YOUR shirt - that’s at least as big as your hand – exactly how do you think you’d react?

Once, just before Aaron was born, we were living in our second apartment, and James was attempting to conduct family scripture study. I kept hearing “thunking” noises from the living room/kitchen area. They were getting louder and more frequent. I was just about to stop James and ask him to go check and see what that noise was when all of the sudden the BIGGEST, HUGEST, cockroach I had EVER seen in my life flew in through our open bedroom door.

I had previously been unaware of several facts:
a) That cockroaches could grow to be 6” long;
b) That cockroaches could “fly!”
c) That the person I had pledged to spend the rest of eternity with had a wicked sense of humor and would be completely incapable of assisting in such matters…to the point of being incapacitated… by laughter.
Apparently, the honeymoon was OVER!

Technically (in our house there’s ALWAYS a technically) cockroaches can’t “fly”, but I can’t recommend attempting to explain that fact to an overwrought, emotional, pregnant woman…at least not while she’s still overwrought and emotional…actually I’d recommend waiting until she’s no longer pregnant, too. That way she will THEN be capable of laughing about the whole event along WITH you!

What cockroaches actually DO is repetitively crawl - VERY quickly - UP any available surface (usually a wall), then become kamikaze cockroaches and DIVE BOMB the nearest available female head in the room…or (in my case at least) the only person still in the room desperately attempting to LEAVE the room!

The military should make a study of the guidance systems of 6" cockroaches!

I have never been much of a screamer in these sorts of incidents, but I believe I may have emitted a squawk… or two! But not much more than the time that the bat-sized moth flew into my hair and began to instantly attempt to pupate itself.

It is also my personal opinion that there is something categorically unkind in anyone who can find excessive humor in a VERY pregnant woman squeaking and squawking, while attempting to use her favorite set of scriptures as a sort of shield (literally, not allegorically) and endeavoring (in vain) to quickly exit a water bed, all the while being repeatedly dived bombed by a suicidal cockroach – but I must have forgiven him…we’ve been married for 23 years now.

Besides, our children are now extracting paybacks – BIG time!

Since my children get absolutely NO reaction from Mom, their ultimate target has become ~ their Father. Hey, what’s a little thing like a cricket or “Charlie” bug, when you’ve had a bat-sized moth or a 6” long cockroach in your hair!

Their beloved Dad only has one phobia in life - snakes!
He doesn't much like any type of "slimy" reptile, but snakes he seriously hates!

One time when we were picking up a potty chair at Toys R Us they had this big bin with all sorts of rubbery type animals…rubbery type - reptilian animals…HUGE life-like reptilian animals – and all of them were on sale.

I’ve never seen 3 little boys count up the combined change in their pockets faster in my life!

They brought home one of the most realistic looking iguana-type lizards I have ever seen. The name “komodo dragon” comes to mind.

This thing must have been at least two feet high and about four feet long. The fun those boys had on unsuspecting visitors to our house. Let me tell you…as far as they were concerned it could have been FULL price and it STILL would have been a HUGE bargain!

Even when you KNEW that thing wasn’t real it STILL could give you the heebie-jeebies, just looking at it. It even had this tongue thing that hung out to make it look like it was “tasting” the air. Yeah! Tasting, as in an attempt to find it’s latest prey.

I finally had to put my foot down when they started “loaning” it out to friends. Mother’s of your children’s previous friends can get pretty upset about that sort of thing.

But, the iguana reached legendary proportions and became worth his weight in gold the night Dad first became introduced to him!

The ironic part is that THIS time, the joke was completely unintentional on our boy’s part and came about because they had forgotten to take Mr. Iguana up to bed with them (yes, they slept with him!) He had been left forgotten at the bottom of the stairs. Besides, even MY boys couldn’t have planned anything as good as the reaction they got!

Dad worked the night shift and would usually get ready for work around 11 p.m. at night. Being a considerate type of guy (yeah, NOW he’s considerate), he would try to get ready without turning on too many lights or making too much noise ~ which is another of my life’s great ironies. Do you have any idea how much commotion a person who is trying to get ready silently - in the dark - is capable of making?

Anyway, I got involved in the whole incident (and was rewarded an immense amount of flying cockroach pay-backs), when I heard a pitiful moaning sound, and what I thought was my husband falling down the stairs. I rushed to see what had happened and discovered him sitting spread-eagle on the floor at the bottom of the stairs - practically eyeball to eyeball - with a life-like plastic iguana at his feet, staring back at him. He appeared to be frozen stiff, and hoping against hope that dinosaurs really CAN’T see you if you don’t move.

“What the H _ _ L is THAT !!??!!”

I had NEVER previously heard that word come from his mouth in the form of a curse before!

Apparently he had made it most of the way down the dimly lit stairwell – on foot – but had completed the bottom 4 steps by the seat of his pants, AFTER suddenly becoming aware of the existence of Mr. Iguana!

He later explained to me the only thing that went through his mind as he sat there on the floor with his children’s newest pet staring back at him was, “What on earth have they dragged home now!”

And while HE may not have been very amused at the time, I STILL can’t even think about the whole episode without bouncing AND snorting AND wheezing!