Winter Break Fun?

So, what do you do with a houseful of kids over Christmas break?
You make Gingerbread Houses!!!

Josh says the green ones tasted like Mango!















Then there's always the "let-them -use-the-digital-camera" kind of fun!

I have TONS of pictures of the inside roof of the suburban, people asleep who are also drooling, extreme (and usually fuzzy) close-ups of the dogs, my kids nasal cavities, things that look like something I don't want to know about...

This particular idea can last for hours!

Except this plan doesn't always work real well with boys that are still in the "potty humor" stage of development - which apparently kicks in around age 4 and doesn't end until age... Well, I'll just have to get back with you on THAT one!














Then, when the Gingerbread Houses have all been eaten, and the camera has had its day, you let DAD take the kids on one of their "Grand Adventures" up to the snow.

Hopefully, they will be gone most of the day, and YOU get to have the house all to yourself!

Ah, now that's what I call an extremely wonderful Christmas present! : )

Except the one year they rolled down the mountain top! That maybe seemed like it wasn't gonna be such a "Grand Adventure", but you have to look on the bright side - it can ALWAYS be worse - at least I didn't have to spend my New Year's Day attending six funerals!!!

They all walked away from that "Grand Adventure" - bloody, terrified, shoeless and freezing cold, but they did walk away - right to the emergency room for seven sets of stitches! Okay, so maybe some of them limped away.















Julia really wanted to go this year, but made sure she had a blood oath from her father first that there would be NO mountains involved this time!


Poor Dad! You have one little accident and they never let you live it down. : )

Hamsters - This one is for Rebecca

FOR SALE: LOTS of hamster paraphernalia.
Cheap.

Thinking of purchasing your child a small pet for a present? Is this ALL they’ll want for Christmas? Do they PROMISE to be eternally good and never cause a single gray hair on your head if ONLY you will allow them this one small, tiny gift? Can they produce crocodile tears at the drop of a hat?

Do you think a hamster will be easier to clean up after than other pets? Are you suffering from the misconception that size will make a hamster easier to care for than a cat or dog or pet python? Before caving, consider the following:

1) Hamsters can be born pregnant. If they tell you they can’t “sex” them (tell a girl from a boy) at the store, it won’t matter to the hamster. THEY know the difference.

2) A boy hamster has more hormones raging in one leg than my son’s entire high school football team combined. Any reproductive specialist studying male infertility should examine a male hamster. THEY are the real experts.

3) Hamsters can reproduce almost bi-weekly. If the books tell you otherwise, they LIE. Remember your high school science classes? The farther down the food chain they are, the more they reproduce. I’m talking amounts AND frequencies. Just about anything will eat a pet hamster.

4) Hamster mothers can, do, and WILL eat their young. Child psychologists are now getting around $60 for a half hour session. Forget about the excuses you will be given by the 18-year-old pet store “expert” who will tell you this is all YOUR fault. Your child will have already explained to you that it was all YOUR fault.

5) Hamsters have long front teeth. Long SHARP front teeth. Sharp teeth that continue to grow for the entire life of the hamster. Hamsters are NOT vegetarians. They eat their own young, for corn sake, what makes you think they’ll respect yours any better?

6) Hamsters are NOCTURNAL. You may think you comprehend the meaning of that word. Let me help you:
a) It’s two a.m. You have been sitting, staring at your computer screen for at least four hours.
b) You have the worst case of epidemic swine flu ever recorded in the history of mankind. Medical science cannot help you because “it’s just a virus.”
c) You also have a month’s worth of lesson plans, reports, whatever, that needed to be turned in yesterday by 5.
d) You have been given a one-day reprieve only because your doctor wanted to hospitalize you, but you heroically managed to drag yourself to your place of employment, with his signature on a note.
e) NO ONE, I don’t care what they told you at the pet supply store, NO ONE has invented a noiseless hamster wheel. Plastic wheels, metal wheels, or the little balls that roll around on the floor; it doesn’t matter - they are NOT silent.
f) Endlessly repetitive, small grinding, squeaking noises have been medically proven to cause extreme mental instability when being forced to listen to for prolonged periods of time – like ALL night long!
NOW you comprehend the meaning of the word Nocturnal.

7) While the hamster itself may be a great pet bargain at $6, any piece of hamster paraphernalia that has “Habitat” on the box is going to COST you, BIG time. These will be the “habitats” that your child will NEED. Trust me, just like kids at Christmas time, hamsters like empty cereal boxes and old toilet paper tubes, WAY better. Habitats come in all sorts of designer shapes and colors. Your child will want his hamster to either be a “jungle” rat, a “space” cadet, or maybe even a “road”ster. These habitats are the exact same things you can buy at any Wal-Mart for about one-tenth the cost, but the “habitats” are what you will bring home. May I suggest you try holding your breath and closing your eyes when they give you the total. Remember, pet supply stores take credit cards for a reason.

8) The cutest accessories are the costliest and will best enable your hamster a means of escape. The “apartment” lid can be popped off in a matter of seconds. Most hamsters are EXTREMELY intelligent and wait until you aren’t looking to practice their feats of amazing canine (as in teeth) dexterity.

9) Hamsters LOVE to chew. Let me make this VERY clear. Hamsters can and WILL chew through whatever habitat you chose to purchase for them. Credit card companies will expect you to continue to make the monthly installments on habitats, even after the hamster is long gone. Have you ever had a mouse in your wall that you could hear crawling around at night while you tried to sleep? Hamsters, after they chew through expensive habitats, LOVE the inside of walls.

10) Purchasing a used habitat is NOT an option. Hamster “pee” smells like ammonia. Industrial strength, eat-a-hole-through-your-tennis-shoes strength, ammonia. Litter box odor is a joke compared to this smell. Your neighbors will be able to tell you have a new pet. Hamsters will pee in the same place all the time. They are NOT re-trainable in this matter. They should build dams with old hamster pee. Sand blasting will not remove excess pee from the sides of used habitats.

11) It has been my experience that hamsters have a life expectancy of about three weeks. Just long enough for your child to become good and attached. They will either expire or escape. Hamsters can think of hundreds of ways to become kamikaze hamsters. If you have a cat in your home, just forget about it. You will be expected to spend every waking moment watching your child’s dearly beloved. Humans require sleep. The hamster will choose one of these moments to carry out what they must consider to be their patriotic duty. Again, this will all be YOUR fault.

12) When younger brothers or sisters get excited, they jump up and down. Hamsters do NOT like to be jumped up and down. When they are bitten, little siblings will DROP whatever bit them. However, the sibling will continue jumping up and down. Hamsters, who normally live only weeks, can live LONG years crippled with broken backs. They will mournfully haul themselves around the cage by their two front legs while dragging the back two behind them, causing you EXTEME guilt and mental anguish, every time you look into the habitat. Hamsters CAN make facial expressions. I don’t care what your husband or friends suggest; you may not be capable of just “flushing it down the toilet”.

13) If you EVER plan on going anywhere again - they don’t make Hamster-sitters. Do NOT allow your child to hamster sit another friends pet hamsters. If your LUCKY this will ONLY be a death sentence for said hamster. There are MANY things worse than death.

14) Do NOT allow your child to hamster sit, especially if you have a bird. Even a small bird. Birds apparently can’t tell the difference between a hamster’s tail and a worm. Even a small bird’s beak is strong enough to pinch off a fat finger. Hamster tails are a lot skinnier than a fat finger. Hamster tails do NOT grow back!

15) Hamsters are omnivorous. Let me give you MY definition of that word. They will eat anything, and I mean ANYTHING! Houseplants are NOT the same thing as grass. The best looking houseplants also seem to be the ones that are filled with deadly toxins. While your child may think it’s adorable to allow his pet to have a “special treat”, you will be the one expected to help SAVE HIM as he convulses to death in your hands.

16) The $10-an-ounce specialty gourmet dinner food you were talked into purchasing by the “expert” at the pet store WILL be used as lining for the hamster habitat. I have never actually SEEN a hamster consume this feast. Just because their cheeks become swollen to twice their body mass, does not mean they are eating. If you think the empty food bowl means they are hungry, just clean their cage. You will find ALL $10 worth.

17) Hamsters can store HUGE amounts of food in their “cheeks”. Enough that it can become stuck in there. Trying to push it out will only cause further damage. Vets charge a LOT of money to help a hamster remove stuck food from its cheeks, even more to fix the damage YOU caused by pushing. You cannot reason with a hamster. “I told you this would happen,” doesn’t work on children or hamsters.

18) Hamsters (smart enough not to get their food stuck) apparently regurgitate their food into their bedding, hiding it from you. As previously stated, you will find it when you clean the cage. Take special note of the previous sentence. The words YOU should both be capitalized. Ammonia is a solvent. It can be used to clean acids. Strong willed children can hold out a lot longer than your burning eyes ever will.

19) The people who name hamsters have a bizarre sense of humor. The “Teddy Bear” variety can have a wicked temperament. The cuter the name, the meaner the temperament. Hamsters, unlike teddy bears are not cuddly. They really prefer NOT to be held, especially while they are trying to SLEEP. That’s why they hide all day and scurry under any available object in their habitat to get away from your child.

20) I don’t suggest you purchase the “So, you bought a hamster, Now what do you do?” book for another $15. If you really feel you need a book, go to the library. Either way, it won’t matter. I secretly believe hamsters can read, and those books are their idea of a GREAT joke.

21) Be warned. Grandparents are very good at “pay-backs”. They even have a word for it. They call them gifts.

I understand, believe me, I know how cute, furry, adorable, cuddly, and SMALL they look in the pet shop window. They will tug on those long forgotten memories of your own cute, adorable, cuddly babies. Why do you think God made babies so adorable? Would any parent procreate if we were all born looking and acting like a 16-year-old? You may be fooled, as I was, into thinking, “well, I guess they’re better than a rat.” Apparently God has a sense of humor.

Laws Irrevocably Decreed . . .

Ferguson Family Commandments
(I can dream can’t I)


NOTE: While God may have only needed Ten Commandments for His imperfect children, as far as I know (and contrary to what others MAY think) - He’s been the only perfect parent to ever exist. Not all commandments have specific “because’s”; however if you are guilty of breaking one of them…well, let’s just say that things could get ugly!


Commandment Number One:
Thou Shalt NOT offer your mother, while sitting in church, her choice of gum flavors …
Especially if she’s startled to see you WITH gum in the first place and demands, “Where did you get that gum?”
Your reply should NEVER be, “From the bottom of my seat – there’s a WHOLE bunch of it down there – what color do you want?” because…
Not only will your mother NOT appreciate your generosity, she WILL make you spit that gum out.

Commandment Number Two:
Thou Shalt NOT talk while you are allowing the dog to lick your face…
Especially if you believe that myth about a dog’s mouth being cleaner than a humans, because…
The last time your mother checked there was still a whole world of difference between human and dog “toilet paper!”

Commandment Number Three:
Thou Shalt NOT go and ask your Father, if your mother has already said, “NO!”
Especially if your mother has already said, “NO!” so many times that the veins are now starting to pop out of her neck, and that man she married has been working himself to the bone for the last 25 years just so he could provide for his ungrateful children more opportunities than he enjoyed himself because…
In the first place your father has learned (from past experience) NEVER to say “yes” to ANYTHING before discussing the matter with your mother, thereby discovering your duplicity, and in the second place why would you purposely want to get your Dad into so much trouble, anyways!

Commandment Number Four:
Thou Shalt NOT repeatedly sing the same song from the same Disney movie…
Especially if:
1. You can’t seem to remember all the words;
2. The words you can remember aren’t the correct ones;
3. You’ve inherited your father’s singing abilities and can’t carry a tune in a bucket and seem to enjoy immensely the unique experience of holding that last note – while remaining hopelessly off-key;
4. Your sole purpose for singing the song in the first place is to irritate your older sister!
Because…your mother is trying to drive the car and repeatedly singing the incorrect words to the same song while your other siblings whine, groan, and complain HAS been known to cause early onset insanity – that or a REALLY good temper tantrum – from your mother! Keep remembering what happened the last time your mother said, “Don’t make me pull this car over!”

Commandment Number Five:
Thou Shalt NOT make your mother say the phrase, “Don’t make me pull this car over!”…
Especially if you have any desire to see adulthood because…
She WILL pull that car over!

Commandment Number Six:
Thou Shalt NOT super glue ANYTHING together (and I MEAN ANYTHING!) and where in the heck did you get hold of a bottle of super glue in the first place…
Especially if you were sent upstairs to clean your room because…
1. Your mom may not care that the guys from school said it doesn’t really work on skin and any interns working at the local urgent care will probably just laugh when you tell them that one;
2. That you can glue two coins together so that they still LOOK like a single coin, but are now “double thick”;
3. That you just wanted to show dad what sort of gloves a person would wear if they were a Siamese twin and had been born connected by the palms of their hands.

Commandment Number Seven:
Thou Shalt NOT come into this world a readymade tomboy…
Especially if your mother has already given birth to four male children and has been waiting for YEARS to have a baby girl she could fuss over with hair ribbons, and lacy socks, and all sorts of other pink foo-foo’s because…
That’ll just break her heart!

Commandment Number Eight:
Thou Shalt NOT refuse to allow your hair to be adorned in ANY way, shape, or form…
Especially if you were blessed to be born with the most incredibly beautiful, naturally curly hair, which looks absolutely adorable with a “pretty” in it, and you are the only girl in a family of four brothers, and you plan on growing up to someday announce your plans of becoming a cosmetologist because… the irony will NOT escape your mother!

Commandment Number Nine:
Thou Shalt NOT forget that your parent’s bedroom and bathroom doors are never to be unlocked unless you are in a life-and-death situation and there is at least a pint of blood involved. Therefore, do NOT unlock your mother’s bedroom door, and then her bathroom door…
Especially if you only want to ask her, “Can people still live if they’re ‘borned wiff’ six toes?” because…your mother will NOT consider the answer to that question a life or death situation! At least wait until she’s finished bathing – and yes, she did hear you knocking the first six times!

Commandment Number Ten:
Thou Shalt NOT forget that as far as you are concerned - scissors are ONLY for cutting paper…
Especially if it’s the day before your first kindergarten class, or the day of school pictures, and you USED to have beautiful long flowing hair; OR you are wearing a dress that your mother spent six hours on, just to hand sew the lace. This same commandment applies to permanent magic markers.

Commandment Number Eleven:
Thou Shalt NOT forget that your mother’s sewing scissors are sacrosanct…
Especially if you’re planning on cutting paper…or aluminum pop cans... or rusty old barbed wire…or thin pieces of balsa wood…

Commandment Number Twelve:
Thou Shalt NOT put things back in the refrigerator in their original carton…
Especially if the carton is empty because…when your mother does a quick glance in the frig before heading to the grocery store it might look like you have all sorts of milk, and eggs, and cottage cheese… and she won’t discover that they are, in truth, empty - until they are desperately needed.

Commandment Number Thirteen:
Thou Shalt NOT point out ANY of the discrepancies in your mother’s arguments…
Especially while she’s still ranting! Take the advice of your older, wiser sister and, "Just nod your head and say ‘Yes!’”

Commandment Number Fourteen:
Thou Shalt NOT give your mom a blow-by-blow description of the last cartoon you watched nor repeat verbatim every single comment made from ALL the characters in the last Disney movie you’ve watched…particularly if you plan on including a verbal description of all visual stunts, along with every word spoken by each and every character, AND the original cartoon was only half an hour long and it’s going to take you more than an hour and a half to do it!
Especially when you’ve proven yourself in the past to be completely incapable of:
1. Remembering a simple phone message;
2. Most of the really important house rules that have been in place since your birth;
3. The fact that you are NOT allowed to play with matches;
4. Your mother’s birth date;
5. Where you left your homework…or backpack…or shoes…
6. The “no friends in, no friends out” rule while your parents were away;
7. At least 8 of your 10 spelling words this week!

Commandment Number Fifteen:
Thou Shalt NOT call your grandma on the home phone line, long distance, in the middle of the day when the rates are the highest…
Especially if:
1. You’re only calling to complain about her daughter’s methods of discipline.
2. You’re only calling to give Grandma a 6 page long Christmas Wish list, while ignoring section 6 of Commandment 15.
3. You’re only calling to tell her all about the “new baby Jesus is sending me!” Especially if grandma had previously been unaware that a new baby was on the way.
4. You’re only calling to sing (or play) her a song - when you aren’t sure of all the words; or have lost part of the music; or you are using an instrument not normally found in an orchestra;
5. You’re only calling to discuss - in the minutest detail - the plot from your latest viewing experiences.
6. Your mom’s cell phone has free long distance.

Commandment Number Sixteen:
Thou Shalt NOT allow your parents to fork out $300 for your first college class…
Especially if:
You’ve previously raised your mother’s hopes to a vaulted level by being her only child to get straight A’s in school.
You’re planning to decide, “College isn’t for you” and then enroll in a beauty college that costs more than $10,000 a semester.

Commandment Number Seventeen:
Thou Shalt NOT make your mother repeatedly ask you if your room is clean yet…
Especially if:
1. You are planning on constantly nagging her because you want to go over to a friends house;
2. You are sitting on your duff watching a mindless T.V. show;
3. You are begging for a dollar so you can go to the new Wal-Mart and get a slushy;
4. You “forgot” you had invited friends over to your house to play today and their mother just dropped them off at the sidewalk and then drove away!

Commandment Number Eighteen:
Thou Shalt NOT wake your mother…
Especially if:
1. It is 2:30 in the morning and you are only waking her to ask if you can go potty.
2. She is taking a desperately needed afternoon nap…and you are waking her with the screams and tears of your little sister, whom you have been mercilessly teasing. Trust me – that is just NOT a good idea!

Commandment Number Nineteen:
Thou Shalt NOT use one of the towels from your mother’s ONLY “guest set”…
Especially if:
1. You are planning to use them to dry off the newly washed dog…
2. Or the newly washed car…
3. Or your shoes which you forgot to wash off first…
4. Or wipe off the paintbrushes recently used on your pinewood derby car…
5. Or the toilet paper roll was empty, when there are 12 replacement rolls kept under the sink!!!
Especially since she keeps an entire shelf of at least a couple dozen rags in the laundry room, just for that sort of thing – but only the first 4 things and NEVER, EVER, the fifth thing!

Commandment Number Twenty:
Thou Shalt NOT share potty training achievements with visiting guests…
Especially if your plans include asking the guests, “ya wanna see my poop!”

Commandment Number Twenty One:
Thou Shalt NOT use the lame excuse “I wasn’t sure if I was ‘post too, and I didn’t want you to get mad at me in case I wasn’t”…
Especially if you didn’t seem to worry about that possibility BEFORE you set the back yard on fire.

Commandment Number Twenty Two:
Thou Shalt NOT show your mother something she has unsuccessfully been looking for, for at least the entire past week…
Especially if she already went out and bought another one AFTER completely turning your house upside down, and you’ve had it all along in your “treasures chest,” and she’s asked you at least a dozen times if you’ve seen it, but you didn’t think it was “this” one that she was looking for – even though that one is the ONLY one in the entire household. Trust me - let your Dad handle this one!

Commandment Number Twenty Three:
Thou Shalt NOT call your mother on the “emergency only – there’d-better-be-blood-involved” cell phone while she’s grocery shopping…
Especially if:
1. You’re calling to find out where she keeps the “cleaner/destructor” and plan on hanging up AFTER she tells you where it is, but BEFORE you give her any explanations!
2. Your Dad is sitting on the couch next to you and, contrary to you and all five of your sibling’s belief, IS perfectly capable of handling whatever situation has arisen!
3. Your sole purpose for calling is to ask, in the most pitiful voice imaginable, “when are you coming home”… especially when she’s only been gone 15 minutes and hasn’t even made it inside the store yet!
4. You’re just calling to tattle on another sibling.
5. You’re just calling to ask if you can eat something that you know perfectly well is for school lunches ONLY!

Commandment Number Twenty Four:
Thou Shalt NOT come home from ANY activity just so you can argue with your parents about your curfew…

Commandment Number Twenty Five:
Thou shalt NOT cause your mother, and especially your father, 2 weeks of untold agony…
Especially if you are a missionary serving in a VERY far away foreign country that requires you to fly in an airplane at least 23 hours to get to; and your family hasn’t heard a word from you in the 16 days since you called them from an international airport in Taipei, Taiwan; and your mother has had just the dickens of a time prohibiting your father from calling the mission home on an hourly basis; and you FINALLY decide you ought to AT LEAST send them an e-mail; Said e-mail SHOULD be at LEAST as long as your e-mail address! LONGER would be preferable!

Commandment Number Twenty Six:
Thou shalt NOT let your parents sleep…
Especially if your brother who is in a foreign country and hasn’t been heard from in 16 days is on his P-day and is instant messaging and you and your brother are the only ones up at 11 p.m. and you THINK that they won’t want to be woken up!
Trust me, THEY WILL!
Especially if you also happen to be one of those same children that HAVE woken your parents up since the time you could first walk and talk - for every other miniscule reason previously known only to small children, including sales calls or asking if you can go potty…
Because…If you thought then that your parents cared about whether or not you made it safely to the potty and back, let me tell you, they sure as shooting WILL care about how one of your siblings is doing clear on the other side of the world!
Thou SHALT waketh them up because…your Dad hates to see your Mom cry, and it’ll just REALLY break her heart!

To be continued . . .

Jammie Bottoms (September 2001)

Girls here are wearing pajama bottoms everywhere, like regular pants. These "jammies" are flannel and huge. They usually take their older brothers. The bigger, the better.

My husband, James, was distressed to notice this one morning when he was home, as his teenage daughter was leaving for school.

"Oh, Jamee!" He laughed. "You can’t leave! You’re still wearing your pajamas! You forgot to put on your pants!” (He was speaking from a personally embarrassing previous experience)

Rolling her eyes and laughing, "Oh, Daddy!" she rushed out the door.

Her ride was in the driveway honking - Another NO-NO. Regarding the actions of people picking up your children: "They should come inside so we can meet them," her father firmly believes. My attempt to comfort him with, “Sweetheart - its 6:30 in the morning” was met with a sigh.

James then turns to me with that bewildered, lost puppy-dog look that says, "Am I missing something here?" HIS daughter has just rushed out the door to answer a honking car horn in her pajamas!

"Um, why did our daughter just leave the house wearing her pajamas?"

I shrug. "It's the newest fad. They wear them everywhere. School, softball practice, the store..." (This one is in its 2nd year!)

"And, you ALLOW our daughter to wear her pajamas outside the house?"

Notice the repeated emphasis on “outside the house.” He’s not even comfortable with pajamas being seen INside the house.

He's also treading on thin ice with this "YOU allow," and "OUR daughter," business and has just realized it.

Unfortunately the words have already left his mouth so he switches to his politest voice.

He's still deeply concerned, but is treading in previously unchartered deep-dark-troubled waters. Lately, he isn't sure if my hormones will feel self-righteous indignation and ignite; offended and burst into tears; or if I'll just think he's cute and smile.

Sometimes I take pity and find him simply adorable. Sort of like having a living, breathing, pet dinosaur. He still thinks letters should be written with an actual piece of paper using ink, (E-mails don’t count) and daughters should wear their underclothing... well, under their clothing.

The first time he saw my slip showing I thought he was going to have an apoplexy. He kept "shielding" me with his briefcase. "WHAT are you doing?" I inquired.

In a loud whisper (now you know where our kids get it from!), frantically looking around, beet red in the face, he informs me that my “SLIP IS SHOWING.” He was SO shocked and absolutely horrified.

I looked down around my pregnant, swollen belly and saw (it was on the left side so I actually could see) about a quarter of an inch of the lace edging. I laughed so hard I thought I'd go into premature labor.

The day he finally figured out I had quit wearing slips and hose all together, he was absolutely scandalized. It didn't matter that it had been years since I had worn them and he’d never noticed. He still doesn’t quite approve. He's just lucky I can't go braless or those would have gone by the wayside first. I should pretend to “leave the house” that way, just once. He's so easy to tease. His eye blinking, speechless stutters are priceless.

I just have to keep reminding myself his family is from the South…The Deep South.

Most sentences begin with, “Hain’t nuthin’ thought of” . . . in the Deep South.

Female children are referred to as Young Ladies or Daughters in the Deep South.

“Kids” are the progeny of the goats out in the back yard in the Deep South.

Female relatives must be accompanied by male relatives - at all times - when “outside the house” in the Deep South.

"Hain't nuthin' thought of a gal'd leave the house wearin' her jama's" (in the Deep South.)
His accent always comes out strongly when he's distressed, so I pat his cheek and give him a little kiss.

"Sweetheart, you've taken her to school before. She's dressed more modestly than 90% of the girls IN her school." (The sweetheart was to let him know he's hormonally safe.)

He sadly nods his head . . . however, the Deep South will never die.
"But, her pajamas?" He asked with real pain in his voice.

My reply for everything (courtesy of my Mom) - "It could be worse."

I have found it also helps to give him a worst case scenario…gives him some perspective.

"Just remember Dad, teddies are jammies, too." He shudders.

“That’s not funny, Renee. That’s just NOT funny.”

Babysitters (written sometime around 1994)

With the exception of three young women, I’ve had a HARD time with babysitters.

Even if we do have six children; our surname is Ferguson; and we’ve become pretty well known amongst family and friends as the harbingers of certain disaster - I still can’t imagine why! Apparently, what the youth of today needs is a little more of an adventurous spirit.

The Connolly's, the Rowley's, and the Crandall sister’s will forever hold a special place in my heart and NOT just because they usually were available and were around 6 feet tall. According to my kids they were “FUN!”

I thought I’d hit upon a great invention when I started to “trade” other mothers, for babysitting time. That is until I discovered that while I may have a lot of children in shear numbers – and they are a little “busy” at times – they are basically good children. I quickly discovered that is NOT the case with all children.

I also discovered that some people think their time is WAY more valuable then yours. If I had cared for somebody’s children for 2 hours, I would NEVER have even considered paying them back by leaving them with mine for EIGHT hours on a Saturday.

Then there was the mom who specifically wanted me to watch her child because we were both nursing mothers. She graciously offered to “return the favor” by feeding my baby when she got back. I’m sorry – in an absolute, death-will-result, emergency I could see myself in this arrangement – but only if there was absolutely NO other way available! They may not like it, but nursing babies will drink formula – eventually. Arranging errands to correspond with feeding schedules is just WAY more personal than I wish to be with another person’s child.

Then there’s the “attitude” issue to be resolved. When I was growing up, speaking impolitely to my parents was considered “sassing” and usually resulted in a quick trip to the bathroom and a personal acquaintance with a bar of soap.

My own mother perfected, “THE STARE”. With one raised eyebrow, from across a very crowded room, my mother (who had four VERY mischievous little boys of her own) is capable of curling the most cirrhosis-ed of livers.

One day while waiting in the Pediatrician’s office I gave a little tyke my own version of “THE STARE.” I figured it was worth a shot seeing as his mother was completely ignoring his terrible behavior! It had always worked wonders with my own offspring. Not only did this child continue kicking the chair he was sitting on while strewing magazines in every direction, but he gave me back the stare and stuck his tongue out along with it!

But I digress…Back to the issue of Babysitters. Even though he wasn’t quite 13 at the time (don’t tell CPS – they already have issues with my ideas of child rearing – and have been out to my house – more than once), I finally caved and decided to let Aaron become my babysitter for several reasons:

1) Eleven and Twelve-year-old boys - who are already 6 feet tall - hate, loathe, and detest being babysat by girls one year older, and a full foot shorter, than they are.

2) Aaron and Josh are about as opposite as it is possible to be. “The Odd Couple” is a good frame of reference. Aaron is controlled, calm, responsible, mature, . . . and Josh is, . . . well, Josh. Whenever I want to have a GOOD laugh I just sit down and think about the fact that SOME day Josh will be somebody’s DAD! (Do you think we should warn her or just keep our mouths shut!)

3) Aaron was my baby-lover and on the nights that we managed to finally talk (bribe) somebody into coming over, Aaron spent the entire night caring for his siblings anyway – while the sitter’s usually spent the night on the phone with their boyfriends, eating a weeks worth of “goodies”, or watching what I considered to be VERY inappropriate T.V. shows.
(Something to think about for any teen sitters reading this: The children you are being paid to supposedly watch WILL repeat everything that happened while their mom and dad were gone – in VERY minute detail – when their parents eventually return home.)

4) Babysitter’s started charging per child, as opposed to per family. I used to be delirious when I got $10 for an entire day of babysitting from 8 a.m. to about 11 p.m. Our last trip to the movies, we paid more to the sitter than we did for our movie tickets - and we were only gone three hours and the kids were asleep before we left! When you have to choose between dining out OR going to the movies - because you can’t afford to do both and still pay the sitter - it’s time to start looking at different options.

This whole “Aaron-babysitting-plan” worked great until OTHER mother’s of boys discovered MY gold mine. Then I had to learn to share Aaron’s childcare talents. I didn’t think it was fair to monopolize him or pass up all those future mission dollars he was getting, but when I saw what he was bringing home, I came to the conclusion that - Heck for $20 a night, I’ll leave Aaron home and I’d go and play video games with somebody else’s kids. Boy – was I ever tempted!

All I had to do when Aaron babysat was leave something for them to eat, and get the others all ready for bed. Aaron would have loved to do the dinner part, too, but I was pretty sure I was perilously close to breaking several obscure child labor laws already.

Aaron would entertain his siblings by outscoring his previous all-time best scores on every E-rated video game known to mankind. They were utterly mesmerized. Not only could Aaron get through EVERY level, he would also give everybody their own turn and show them where all the “cheats” were. As far the children were concerned Aaron had nearly attained super-human status.

Anyway, I think Aaron did a GREAT job his first time going solo - Even though two of his siblings did catch the back yard on fire.

Aaron handled the whole situation with calm and intelligence - simply putting out the fire with our garden hose before it reached the fence line - but only just barely.

Considering the fact that at the time we lived in a neighborhood with row after row of 25-year-old, rotten, sun-bleached, dry-as-a-desert, wooden fences – the entire neighborhood was VERY fortunate.

The thought of having a member of my family appear on the 6 p.m. evening news (not that THAT hasn’t ever happened before), as the culprits who “destroyed an entire east valley neighborhood” is NOT the 15 minutes of fame I wish for in this life – besides CPS already knows me by name.

My favorite part of the whole memory will always be little Jacob’s comment when they showed me the damages.

Jake was absolutely positive it hadn’t been HIS match that had started the grass fire.

“I blew my matches out before I threw them down!”

Making Memories

Sometimes I just don't feel much like blogging, so I'll probably only post once or twice a week.

Many of these blogs will be from my book, "What do they do with the chicken's feet?"

I hope you enjoy them, and I ADORE comments!!!

Great Ideas!

I am in SO, SO much trouble!!!

When Joshua was little he used to get “great ideas.”

Seriously! Ask anyone in our extended family - the sound of Josh’s overly-excited, little-boy voice saying, “Hey! I got a great idea!” could literally raise the hair on the back of all our collective necks!

As near as I can tell, the main difference between my great ideas, and Josh’s great ideas, are that mine don’t usually end up in a hospital emergency room! (And now that I’ve SAID that, the next one will!!!) Knock on wood!

Well, yesterday while shopping, I had my own “great idea.”

“Let’s make some homemade salsa!” I enthusiastically said to Jamee, all the while ignoring her knowing look which clearly was saying, “Who’s gonna be makin’ this salsa, ‘cuz lately your ‘we’ usually means ‘me’!”

Sometimes having children who are capable of communicating volumes, non-verbally, isn’t such a great blessing.

I’m pretty sure Jamee was also thinking about the fact that my salsa recipe usually makes enough salsa to fill about 5 or 6 wide-mouth, quart-sized, glass canning jars – after we’ve all sampled half the batch! She may have also been contemplating that lately, most of MY “great ideas,” usually mean that she’s going to be spending the rest of HER day cleaning up one of my most fantastic messes, after I poop out on her. Poor Jamee! Sigh!!

Personally, I believe that she has begun mentally tabulating all the parts of my body that are no longer functioning correctly. Katie says it would probably be a shorter list if she just kept track of the parts that still DID do their job the way they were intended too!

I still haven’t figured out how I hurt my left shoulder. I am a total klutz, so bruises of unknown-origins are fairly common, but this is WAY more than just a bruise! I can move it forward and backward without any problems, just not straight up. At all! Not even a little! When I forget that it’s damaged (which occurs about a million times an hour) and try to move it up, I am immediately rewarded with what feels like a bolt of lightning hitting my shoulder and an instant dead arm! And believe me, with four older brothers – I know all about dead arms!

Jared’s oh-so-helpful opinion that I “slept on it funny,” is plausible, only I can’t sleep on my left side anymore because it causes chest pains. I also can’t sleep on the right side because that’s the thigh with the hamburger sized angiolipoma – which is the fancy medical term for a fatty-tissue tumor that burns like the dickens if I lay on it. I’m pretty sure somebody, somewhere has conducted a study which proved that feeling like you’ve taken a lump of red-hot coal to bed with you isn’t very conducive to restful slumber! Laying flat on my back only results in lower back muscle spasms, which are REALLY enjoyable when you’re having bi-annual CT scans for about an hour or more! Sigh!

Jared also mentioned something about rotator-cuffs, which apparently is a hot topic of discussion amongst 17-year-old high school jocks, but I’m only assuming that a rotator-cuff is a part of the human body and not a car part because it was Jared, and not Jake, making the suggestion. Jake would have been talking automotively.

So, in the midst of all my maladies, did it ever occur to me -for even a millisecond - that my “great idea” of chopping up a ton of veggies for salsa might be a tad difficult with a dead left arm? Not even!

And while I’m on a roll here, whoever put the pop can in the freezer to cool - long enough that it burst all over the inside of the freezer – is just gonna have to fess up, ‘cuz I’m using left-arm incapacitation as my excuse for not cleaning it up, and I’m pretty certain-sure that Jamee is NOT going to willingly clean up THAT particular “great idea!”

In SO many ways – and on SO many levels - I am in SO, SO much trouble!

Counter installed!

Okay, I know this will be my second blog in one day, but… I’m just SO excited!!!

I actually have ONE whole follower!!!
Thanks Megan – you’ve made my day!

Somebody is actually reading my blog! I know, ‘cuz I installed a counter yesterday – and only three of the counts were me! Woo Hoo!

1 December 2008

1 December 2008

Well, it’s 3:33 a.m. the morning of my 47th birthday! WoW! Ten years ago I sure wasn’t positive I’d make it this far – but here I am, so I guess I did!

My brain still thinks it’s somewhere between 17 and 27, and my body thinks it’s about 87, so if I have any working math cells left in my overwrought brain, and I average the two extremes I should come up with a number somewhere near 47 – which makes me just about right! – Sort of!

Fon has gone back to NC and we won’t see her again until just before the wedding. We are all sad about that! And not just because we have a million things to do between now and then, either! Planning a wedding is hard enough – but planning a wedding when each of the participants are on the opposite sides of a continent is even a little more daunting than usual!

Sometimes you meet people that you just instantly connect with and the three of us girls REALLY connected with Fon. We just love her to pieces already! Jamee made me a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich tonight for dinner and sighed, “I sure wish Fon was here so she could make some more of that noodle stuff she made last night.” Her mind was talking food, but our hearts where talking sad!

As usual, I still hadn’t gone to bed yet when the clock chimed in at midnight. I also had two instant messages going and my facebook page open, so I got four happy birthday wishes all at once. My cousin Annette stayed up just for the occasion and is claiming the winning spot, so the others will have to debate with her about that one!

Neopets even wished me a happy birthday! I got sucked into that website because Julia wanted a Neopet and I didn’t want her on something I wasn’t familiar with, so Jamee and I joined too – and now we’re all addicts! Some of the games are really fun, and I now have over 800,000 neopoints saved in the neopian bank!!! It makes me feel a little better knowing that in some bank somewhere out there in cyberspace I actually have a positive balance! Eight hundred thousand positives!!! Sigh!

I am happy, I am loved, and I am excited about the upcoming year – I just LOVE this time of the year!