Monday Morning Malady

Three of my children suffer from what Dr. Mom has come to call the “Monday Morning Malady.”
Lest you think them hypochondriacs, they actually can run a fever of 102 at 6 a.m. and feel really awful, but by 10 they are completely recovered and ready to roll – as only a Ferguson child can be.

The pediatrician had some fancy name for this phenomenon (shouldn’t I put Ferguson Family in front of that word?). Anyway, I can't remember the name right now, but it has something to do with our family’s predilection for a VERY slow heart rate, easily irritated bronchial tubes, and some really seriously bad reaction to “seasonal allergies.”

I am really not kidding about this. Three of them were even on the “chronic ill list” while in elementary school. They even had albuterol inhalers – which for some reason causes our medical insurance company to routinely send me “Your child’s asthma” brochures – only they don’t actually have asthma.

While they are sleeping the blood going into their lungs is diminished because of the slow heart rate. Their bronchial tubes start to swell because of the allergies, thereby trapping bacteria in the lower part of their lungs, which isn’t being cleaned out at effectively as it should be by clean fresh blood. Their bodies respond to this build-up by running fevers and generally feeling pretty tired and run down.

Okay, so they feel tired and achy and generally awful – but hey! – they need their education so according to the school district I’m supposed to throw them out the door and expect them to become braniacs and sponge up all that important information they cover in the first hour of elementary school – like saying the pledge and the taking of attendance.

So being the brainlessly dutiful parent I used to be I’d send them to school - and by the time we’d have walked home, we’d have to turn around and go back to get them because the nurse was calling and they had a fever. Children can’t be in school with a fever – or undiagnosed rashes (but that’s another whole epilog) which is what I’d said – only apparently it makes a HUGE difference when the school nurse says it.

I would love to have a penny for every time I’ve told my kids, “I know you don’t feel good. Go to school and go straight to the nurse’s office. If she calls me then it’s okay, but if I keep you home then we’ll all be in trouble.”

It happened on other days of the week besides Monday, but for some reason Monday was always a given.

So anyways, through all these weird little anomalies our family is prone to, I’ve discovered MANY things – two in particular that I wish to discuss this morning – 6:12 this morning to be precise!

First thing – which I think is genetic – is that several of us have seriously SLOW heart rates. I've probably talked about this before, but during Jared’s recent surgical stay he kept setting the heart rate alarm off – like every minute! He’d just start to nod off and that thing would start having a spasm, then the nurse would have to come check on him and reset the alarm. She finally showed ME which button to push IF I were going to reset the alarm – which a person should never do.

Anyway, after about 30 minutes of this we were ALL getting a tad irritated – especially Jared who was supposed to be getting some rest! The nurse had turned the alarm down as far as it’d go, all to no avail. They even called someone in to check on him with a prognosis of “the anesthesia hasn’t completely worn off yet.” Sure, whatever.

Second thing - I am a VERY light sleeper. Seriously light sleeper. If somebody were to enter my room (either at home or in the hospital) I can “sense” there is someone in my room and it wakes me up - with one exception - I don’t think I actually “fall asleep” until the hours of 3 to 5 a.m. – then I’m dead to the world. Now for the weird part (this is me, so there will always BE a weird part). If I can actually take an afternoon nap (like say 3 to 5 p.m.) it’s the same thing – I am SOOO deeply asleep that I often dream I am crawling out of a deep well, trying to wake up.

My boys have had a ball testing out this particular “ability-to-sense” oddity. So far they’ve made it as far as three steps into the room before I know they are there and wake up. That’s about the time that I loudly demand, “WHAT?” thereby causing them to jump out of their skin! Paybacks can be priceless.

So this morning at about 5:45 I’m in the pretty-deeply-asleep stage when that internal “someone’s-in-the-room” alarm starts to go off and I’m dragging myself up out of the well of sleep that I was snugly in and crack open my eyes -- only to see a dark, hooded figure standing over my bed reaching it’s arm out to touch me!

Holy Bejeebies!

Children should be taught from a VERY early age that this is NOT the way to awaken a parent with a previously diagnosed irregular, slow heartbeat!!!

It was Jared – he didn’t feel good – It’s Monday, right?

And that is why I’m up at this ungodly hour – typing my memoirs.

Happy Monday everybody!!!